I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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