also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize