I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
