well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
