i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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