Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
