My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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