Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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