he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
