in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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