and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I've blown a few things in my day
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
