are you still at the devil's house?
Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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