I haven't been this sober since birth.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
