so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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