Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize