apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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