so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize