I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
