the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Randomize
