I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
