He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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