Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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