My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I forget how to act sober
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
