I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I touched a dick in church today
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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