I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
This baby is an asshole
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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