News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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