Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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