I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
