Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I think my fart just growled at me.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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