When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
