Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
