Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
