I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
