we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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