Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Everclear isn't food dammit
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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