I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
