I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
