Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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