I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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