Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
