I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
