So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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