I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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