I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize