You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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