If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
