Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i just wanna soil my oats bro
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
