i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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