So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
