The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
