Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
