Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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