my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm experimenting with sincerity
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
