Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize