I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
