I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
