Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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