i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
