you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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