he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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