Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I just found puke in my bra..
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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