"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize