How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
