my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize