Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
